I'm tired of holding my tongue on this one.

So, a while back, I got into it with some people on social media, as sometimes happens.

Some background you might need to know: I quit the MRDA last year, for a number of reasons I'll eventually write about, but doing so freed me up from a lot of frustrating committee work that was increasingly unsatisfying and from having to publicly back an organization that was very determinedly going in a direction with which I don't agree. 

Some other background that you might also need to know: I survived a mass shooting on my college campus when I was 18. Two people, one my friend and the other my mentor, were murdered, and I wrote a book about it last year, which a number of people in my derby circles have read.

So here's what happened. I was in Target, my phone pinged with a notification that I should "like" this new derby thing calling itself "Derbalife Presents: Screaming Bloody MRDA" and that name alone was enough to trigger a pretty nasty meltdown, because that's sometimes what my brain does when someone else makes jokes about murder, no matter how clever those puns might be.

Part of my point in writing the book was to be more open about this issue, because I can't always predict what my response to these kinds of things will be, and it's sometimes sort of a delicate thing for me in derby. There are an awful lot of violent names in derby, which are often considered part of the "derby culture" (whatever that means), and I've been on the receiving end of a surprising amount of what feels like abuse through a couple of rulesets that get ever-closer to actually making the abuse of officials a penalty. The move toward legal names in derby, though perhaps it takes some of the fun out of it all, at least shifts the emphasis away from more of those names that announcers can't say over the mic, though usually those banned or altered ones are more to do with keeping it PG-13, which means violence is OK but the racier stuff is right out (let alone the downright X-rated ones).

But what happens when officials go after other officials?

Later that night, I posted a status update on my friends-only personal page taking issue with the tournament name.  I wanted to call out the name and our sort of weird acceptance of certain kinds of violence (i.e. joking about murder's okay, but if the tournament name was punning on rape, people would be very quick to shut that down). What I posted was this: Sorry, folks. I love men's roller derby, but I am never, ever, going to "like" a tournament calling itself "Screaming Bloody MRDA." Murder is not a joke.  

I posted it on my own page, which is locked to friends-only, and the discussion kind of exploded in an interesting way. I'd wanted it to spark a larger-picture conversation about violence in derby without calling out the THRs in person, but one of the THRs took extreme issue with this, going so far as to call me "a dick" on my main page and then emailing me repeatedly abusive private messages (while he was in the process of unfriending and at the end of the exchange, fully blocking me). 

He began with: Just keep burning those bridges. Must be a nice view from that high horse up there. 

Last I checked no one asked you to work this tournament anyways.

I replied: Nice knowing you, [Ref]. Good luck with your tournament.

He replied: Keep stabbing your friends in public. You must have plenty more.

Me: At least I know how they are now.

[Ref]: Yup. I'm one who thought we were good enough friends that you would come to me in private instead of calling me out in public. Instead I found out I'm one of "them" you feel you can rail against. I'm so disappointed in you. You have no idea how much your post cut me to the quick. And you obviously give no fucks about my feelings. So I'm done. You are a big fake who talks big about feelings and then kick me in public like that. Fuck you.

Me: Right. Because you've been so supportive in recent months. Thanks. Be well, [Ref].

[Ref]: Keep playing your pity card. I'm glad I voted for adults for the MRDA board

Me: Me too. Because my life is actually a lot better without the MRDA, as it turns out.

[Ref]: Your high horse is all you have. You've got nothing else to cling to but a club so sled superiority you beat everyone else up with.  Quit writing to me. I'm not your friend. I'm someone you traded as a friend until you needed to make yourself feel better by insulting their work in public. Seriously, fuck off

Me: I'm going to stop responding, [Ref]. I hope your tournament goes well and you find some other outlet for your anger.

And I've kind of been stewing over this whole incident. I reported the ref in question to both the WFTDA and the MRDA, because that seemed like the proper official channels to go through. If this person had been a skater and talked to me this way after a bout, it would surely cross a line -- so why because it's a fellow official it seems less nasty somehow or something less worthy of reporting? 

Does it fall into the same category of the creepy skater who hugs you just a little too long post-bout? The too-handsy official on the infield? The ref who's nice to your face and you then hear calling you a douchebag or a bitch in their next breath as soon as they think you're out of earshot?

Later I was asked to write a reference for someone for this same tournament, because they'd listed me when they applied, and I balked at writing the damn thing because I didn't want to be seen as supporting this tournament in any fashion or sending someone off to work a tournament with a THR with a temper as nasty as this.

And I'm really tired of holding my tongue on it.

[4/10: An interesting update: after posting this and pinging the MRDA again about the issue, an apology has materialized. It feels a little hollow, and I think it only happened because a governing body got involved, but that's something, at least.]